He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
