Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
