oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
