She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
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