I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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