Pants 0. Shit 1.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
