u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
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