It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
