Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
not ubering you a puppy
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
