You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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