Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Randomize
