They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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