he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
