Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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