Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
