I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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