saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
