I wish I could punch you in the face.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
