That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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