I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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