Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
