I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
