Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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