my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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