My room smells like vodka and shame
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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