i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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