i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
no you cant smoke seaweed
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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