checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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