i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
