there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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