I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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