We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
