I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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