That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
