no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
