Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
