So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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