Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
