When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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