So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
