2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
