I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
