Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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