38 yer olds are good kisserssss
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
