Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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