i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
