In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
