The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Randomize
