its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
