Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
