low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
